The Great Divide - The Gap Between Swinging and Kink

A woman I'd never met knelt in front of the table I was lying on, and locked eyes with me. "Do you orgasm from that?" she asked.

Baffled by the question and a little spacey from the fire play my partner was demonstrating on my back, I mumbled something negative. She looked back at me with a look of perfect confusion as if to ask what was the point, and then walked away.

My surroundings were familiar - I'd been in the space a hundred times for kinky parties. But this was one of the nights where the swing club next door expanded into the dungeon area, and let the two groups mingle together.

The attendees were mostly swingers, however, and I felt completely out of my element. Unlike my kink parties, sex was a much bigger focus. And there was a sudden dearth of personal space. People crowded together and hovered closely over those participating in kinky activities.

The entire atmosphere was just...different. And it wasn't a difference I found myself able to acclimate to.

As I talked to others afterwards, I found the divide was wider than I had realized. Despite our mutual statuses as alternative sexualities, kinksters and swingers seemed to look at each other with some amount of bewilderment.

Over time, I've met people who have found a way to bridge this gap. Some have even attempted to combine the two with various degrees of success. And still we seem to look at each other like exhibits at the zoo, some of us in cages while the others roam more freely.

I like my cage. There's a lovely view of people who live differently, and I pass no judgment, but that life is not for me. For me, different is not a value judgment. Different is simply different, not better or worse.

Most of the time, my kink club is not considered sex positive. That is, we do not allow penetration at our parties. Some people find this limiting and a reason to stay away. Personally, I've never equated kink and sex though, and have no interest in having sex or even orgasming in public.

This is not to say that I don't go home and jerk off, or have sex with my partner there. But I prefer my sex to be more private. When I use kink as foreplay, it's at home, without an audience.

Kink is more about sensations for me. There should be some attraction between me and my play partners, but I find negotiations far easier when sex is automatically off the table. It's one less thing I have to worry about.

Still, I find my attitude to be in the minority. I see far too many people unwilling to explore the other end of that hallway, or even try to understand those on the other side.

I don't claim to have a perfect understanding either. I've seen just enough to know that I prefer my side of the zoo, cages and all.

All I'm saying is that it's complicated. Let's not put anyone in a box - or cage - without getting to know them a little. Not all cages are created equal, and not everyone enjoys freedom. Neither are necessarily wrong.

-- by Daphne

 

52: Parties & Groupies

Play

Rev. Jon and Mrs. Puppy run the dungeon at Tangerine's Dream together where they broaden the spectrum of kink for fans, newbies,  and curious onlookers.  Mrs. Puppy tries her hand as a top under the expert direction of Rev Jon.  They had a busy and fun night working as a team to bring bliss to the line of willing victims.  They meet super fans Mr. and Mrs. Chill where they provide Mrs. Chill with a little taste of their brand of kink. They later decide to expand on their experience with a private date.

On a date in San Francisco they take the Chills further into their journey of kink. They visit some of Rev. Jon and Mrs. Puppy's favorite places starting with coffee at Wicked Grounds and a nice chat about how Mr. and Mrs. Chill found their way into kink.  They then head to the leather shop "Leather Etc" where Rev. Jon, and Mrs. Puppy help Mrs. Chill pick out her very first corset with the support of Mr. Chill.

After a fun day of hanging out it was time to get down to some kinky fuckery where the Chills find out exactly what their pleasure is as they experienced kink Bliss Bringers style.

Getting a Corset

“You’ve never worn a corset before?!”

Nope.

I’d been part of a sex-positive, ethically non-monogamous community for years. I didn’t get dressed up for sex, I got naked. Duh. At some point even “sexy” clothes were like speed-bumps (annoying and in the way) to the reason we were all there: sex.

Besides, I’m a California hippie – not a Victorian costume in my whole repertoire. I’m all bracelets, rings, and chains, wood and metal—natural clanking elements.

But I wanted to feel something. Something else. Sensations. Surrender. Uncertainty. Fear? Pleasure? Painpleasure or Pleasurepain?

So I entered into another arena, one where there are uniforms and rules and consequences.

Continue reading

Beauty and the Dom

This story is a fairytale but not the conventional kind.   It is a love story of sorts, yes I said love.  As I wrote about my Magical Surrender I had no idea that my heart would surrender.  I had no ideal that I would fall in love with this man who has shown me so many new things.  I have had play partners and closeness with others in the lifestyle but this is different in so many ways.

The Meet

When I met Jon from Bliss Bringers, I felt the need to run from him.  I don’t know if it was watching him as he was in his Dom mode or just the incredible amount of energy I felt around him that frightened me.  I felt I wanted to stay away from him but I also felt this pull like gravity.

My intrigue started in 2015 and has yet to wane in 2017.  We were both drawn, compelled even, to chat almost daily at first and then daily as our friendship progressed.   I never imagined that my friendship with him would lead me into such a wonderful relationship and a deep soulful love.  His honesty, integrity, knowledge and the sheer chemistry grew my trust, desire and love.

After 9 months of chatting and developing a friendship we played at a party.  It was fairly low key not what we would consider a "scene" in the BDSM world.   The sex was explosive and I wanted more of that mix of mystery, skill and excitement, and an energy I could lose myself in. We continued to play at parties over the next few months.

I grew such trust with him that it led me to try a real scene,  not just a sampler platter. I decided to really delve into BDSM and for the first time requested a solo date from my husband.  On that date Jon took me places I had never been and I was hooked.  Looking back, it wasn’t just the sex, or the BDSM it was the connection and incredible energy that became like a nuclear reactor in my heart.

Growth

My feelings grew and he became this amazing friend, life coach, mentor, Dom, and lover to me.  I met goals I have been trying to meet for years as I mentioned in The Diet Dom. I have let go of many controls and become a more relaxed person in the process.  He has given me emotional support and always encourages me in the healthiest way possible.

Realization

Neither of us were looking for a polyamorous relationship. We are both married and very in love with our spouses. We are both very open minded in the lifestyle.  We both avoided labeling what we were feeling until that no longer made sense. Our spouses seemed to know before we could admit it to ourselves and each other that we had fallen in love.  Mr. Puppy (my husband) and Mistress SinD (Jon’s wife) have been amazingly encouraging and supportive to us.  I can’t thank them enough for their willingness to share.  I love them both dearly.

Happily Every After

Finally, we let go into this great love as we both surrendered and shared our feelings with each other.  The friendship, trust, and the surrender have taken me down an amazing path that has brought me to a loving relationship with my Sir, my Dom, lover and boyfriend Jon. This man I was once afraid of has become a great love and just as in a fairytale a prince to me.  Our journey and story to be continued.......

P.S. Jon... I love you!

Mrs. Puppy (Pet)

51: Just Hanging Out

Play

SinD, Reverend Jon, Bill and Alice hang out together in this post-action debrief bedcast.  It was Alice's first visit to a BDSM dungeon (we took her to "Dragon's Gate" in Los Angeles), where she got tied up and suspended, and had all sorts of things done to her.    We give our updates and review our progress in the lifestyles of BDSM, Swinging and polyamory.

 

Naughty in Nawlins - Special offer

Quick note: We are going to "Nawty in New Orleans"!   There are a few rooms left, so if you want to party with us and a few thousand of our closest swinger friends, sign up now!

 

The Diet Dom: Lose Weight, Feel Great, Be Healthy

I have been roller coaster dieting all of my life.  Accountability has always been an issue.   I never imagined Rev. Jon would end up being my "Diet Dom" as I started calling him as a joke.  I've learned that a Dom can show you magical bliss but he/she can also act as a life coach and teacher.  A great Dom will use his power over you for more than pleasure. He/she will use their power to better you and care for you in ways you may not be able to accept from someone else.

Healthy Goals

One day Rev. Jon asked me if I was working on any personal goals. We had a very casual conversation where I expressed my desire to take better care of myself and be healthier.   In late September I was chatting with him and told him that my work place was filled with chocolate which coworkers had brought in and how I was feeling weak and wanting to blow my healthy diet. He simply said “Don’t do it!”  It came across as a command to me and I felt it in my gut. Since that day I have not eaten a single piece of chocolate at my work.  When I look at chocolate all I can think is “Don’t do it!”
We started with the chocolate but now many of my health goals are included.   I am now taking vitamins, drinking more water, eating healthy (with one cheat day), going to the gym 5 days a week,  I’ve given up diet soda and most recently given up the Splenda sugar substitute in my coffee.  Some of these items I set the parameter for and Rev. Jon reinforces and other things he has asked me to do to support my healthy goals.

Tracking

Rev. Jon does not request information from me daily but I know he may ask me about my eating or Fitbit tracking at any time. I agreed to notify him of any stumbles on my diet or exercise. This helps me be accountable and successful in reaching my goals.  He has also asked me to wear a rubber bracelet (the kind you get from charities).  If I consider breaking a goal I am to snap the bracelet to bring me out of compulsion to the awareness of my goals.

Slip-Ups

I try to be the perfect sub and follow the rules but sometimes I make mistakes. One night while out with friends on a day that was not a sanctioned junk food day I ate 4 large greasy onion rings.  I didn’t even look at the rubber bracelet.  The next morning I promptly told Rev. Jon that I blew my diet.  We had never discussed how he would reinforce my goals if I made a mistake.  I never asked because I didn’t think I would blow it.  I thought he would be disappointed and probably lecture me.

 

Punishment

First thing he told me is that it was ok.  I had a lot of anxiety at that moment so it was exactly what I needed to hear. The anxiety comes not from fearing him but from feeling that I may have disappointed him.  He asked me several questions about the situation that led to me crashing my diet. There was no anger and no lecture.  I was asked if I was ready to know what my punishment was.  That question froze me in place and I waited for the next text to arrive. Four days without orgasm and that night I was to bring myself to the brink of orgasm and stop.

For me, since I am a very sexual person and engage in almost daily masturbation the punishment felt severe. Still I didn’t argue or plead my case.  That isn’t what a good sub does.  I kept in mind that his ultimate goal is to guide me and teach me.  It was a tough four days and during that time I couldn’t help but to ask for a reprieve. I wasn’t upset when he said no and I actually respect him more for it even though I hoped for a yes.

At the end of the fourth day I saw him.  I was anxious that my failure would be brought up and that I would feel bad about it.  In most relationships when someone fails and lets the other person down it is often dredged up over and over.

When I saw him we had short discussion and it was finished because I had successfully completed the punishment.    Sure, it may come up as a reminder but there is no emotional battering when a mistake is made.  With the right Dom/sub relationship dynamic you both move on no anger, no grudges, and no guilt.  The level of productive communication and validation is very healthy and conducive to happiness and growth for both people.

Rev. Jon reminds me of my goals and keeps me on track. I have lost  about 4 pant sizes and running three miles in less than 30 minutes.  I am healthier now than I have been in years! Even my bloodwork is reflecting the differences.  Besides the health benefits Rev. Jon adds  a fun bonus by setting challenges where I get to choose a reward for success.

A Dom can be so much more than someone who plays naughty games with you.  A Dom can offer you support, guidance, and that extra nudge no one else in your life quite has the power to do.  The goals I have reached under Rev. Jon's guidance have been on my list for several years.  Though I have chosen to surrender to Rev. Jon he empowers me as a person to reach my goals and be better than the person I was.  I am very thankful to him for the care and time he takes to help me.  I can't wait to see what I can accomplish by his side or should I say at his feet.

Mrs. Puppy