Results are in of the CNM research

Posted on January 1, 2020 by Jon

A while ago, we asked you all to to participate in actual research. A lot of you did, and now the results are in.

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) - where couples decide not to be sexually exclusive with one another - is becoming increasingly popular. What is the impact of opening up? Does it ruin your relationship? Is it a panacea for marital problems? Without longitudinal data, we can’t know.

@annelise_murphy has collected the first prospective, longitudinal data on the decision to practice CNM. She recruited people who were interested in opening their relationships but who hadn’t taken the plunge yet and tracked them as they did or did not open up over two months.

We wound up with 155 openers: people who opened their relationships between Times 1 and 2. We also had 78 non-openers: people were still monogamous by Time 2. The design allowed us to compare openers to the non-openers, as well as changes over time for each group.

We preregistered the study design, including stopping rules. We had some confirmatory hypotheses about motives, but none about the main effects of opening up. Honestly, we had no idea how these results would turn out.

We found that by Time 2, openers had significantly higher relationship quality and sexual satisfaction compared to the non-openers. BUT: those differences were already present at Time 1. Relationship quality did not change over time as people opened up their relationships.

Put differently: People who opened up their relationships to other partners did not enjoy better relationships as a consequence of CNM. Instead, the people who opened up their relationships had higher relationship quality to begin with.

Sexual satisfaction, on the other hand, actually did increase over time for the openers. People who opened up their relationships enjoyed boosts in relationship satisfaction from Time 1 to Time 2. In contrast, the non-openers did not.

Why did opening up lead to higher sexual satisfaction? It could be as straightforward as the fact that new sexual partners are novel and exciting. It could also be that CNM helps couples communicate better about their sex lives.

The work has some limitations. First, we did not collect partner reports, so we don’t know how our participants’ partners felt about the decision to practice CNM, or what the consequences of that decision might have been for them.

We also recruited a sample of people who were already enthusiastic about CNM, by definition. It seems unlikely that these results would extend to people who hold negative attitudes about CNM.

On the whole, these results offer cautious optimism for people who are thinking about practicing CNM. We found some positive consequences of opening up and no negative ones. These findings support the idea that CNM can be a healthy, viable relationship option

Read the full details here.

Swinger? Polyamorous? Be heard, earn prizes!

Posted on September 27, 2017 by Jon

Update: This project is completed, and the survey is closed. See the results.

We are taking a short break from our regularly schedules debauchery to point you to some serious science stuff going on!

The Open Relationships Project is doing a study and they need your help. Give them a couple minutes of your time to help people understands your lifestyle. It doesn't cost anything, you may even win some!

Open Relationships Project

Relationship Quality for Non-Monogamous Couples Study: Do Motives Matter?

Romantic relationships have a profound impact on physical and mental health (e.g., Kiecolt-Glaser & Newton, 2001). People in long-term romantic relationships often rely on their romantic partners to meet a broad range of psychological needs; including emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, social support, acceptance, and personal growth; as well as practical needs, such as co-parenting children and co-managing finances and households. However, modern romantic relationships may in fact be suffocating under these demands, as society encourages unrealistic expectations about a single person’s ability to meet such a broad range of needs simultaneously (Finkel, Hui, Carswell, & Larson, 2014).

CNM is an umbrella term that includes open relationships (sex without love without a partner’s participation is okay), swinging (focus on having sex without love) and polyamory (focus on loving more than one person) (Matsick, Conley, Ziegler, Moors, & Rubin, 2013).

People in CNM relationships have been shown to enjoy similar levels of relationship quality to those in monogamous relationships. CNM relationships rank similarly in terms of sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, closeness, trust and commitment (Seguin, Blais, Goyer, Adam, Lavoie, Rodrigue, Magontier, 2016).

The University of Utah Relationship Decisions Lab under the direction of Samantha Joel PhD., are looking for participants in monogamous relationships who are currently considering opening up their relationships (but have yet to do so) to take a survey. We are looking for individuals who have never opened up and individuals who have opened up in the past but are currently with one partner and are planning on opening up again. This study is looking at understanding how people choose to open their relationships and what their experiences of this relationship transition look like.

If you or anyone you know fits our qualifications, we invite you to take this survey. Not only will you be furthering science, but you will be entered to win a $100 Amazon gift card.

~~What are you waiting for? Be heard!~~

The Great Divide - The Gap Between Swinging and Kink

Posted on July 15, 2017 by Jon

A woman I'd never met knelt in front of the table I was lying on, and locked eyes with me. "Do you orgasm from that?" she asked.

Baffled by the question and a little spacey from the fire play my partner was demonstrating on my back, I mumbled something negative. She looked back at me with a look of perfect confusion as if to ask what was the point, and then walked away.

My surroundings were familiar - I'd been in the space a hundred times for kinky parties. But this was one of the nights where the swing club next door expanded into the dungeon area, and let the two groups mingle together.

The attendees were mostly swingers, however, and I felt completely out of my element. Unlike my kink parties, sex was a much bigger focus. And there was a sudden dearth of personal space. People crowded together and hovered closely over those participating in kinky activities.

The entire atmosphere was just...different. And it wasn't a difference I found myself able to acclimate to.

As I talked to others afterwards, I found the divide was wider than I had realized. Despite our mutual statuses as alternative sexualities, kinksters and swingers seemed to look at each other with some amount of bewilderment.

Over time, I've met people who have found a way to bridge this gap. Some have even attempted to combine the two with various degrees of success. And still we seem to look at each other like exhibits at the zoo, some of us in cages while the others roam more freely.

I like my cage. There's a lovely view of people who live differently, and I pass no judgment, but that life is not for me. For me, different is not a value judgment. Different is simply different, not better or worse.

Most of the time, my kink club is not considered sex positive. That is, we do not allow penetration at our parties. Some people find this limiting and a reason to stay away. Personally, I've never equated kink and sex though, and have no interest in having sex or even orgasming in public.

This is not to say that I don't go home and jerk off, or have sex with my partner there. But I prefer my sex to be more private. When I use kink as foreplay, it's at home, without an audience.

Kink is more about sensations for me. There should be some attraction between me and my play partners, but I find negotiations far easier when sex is automatically off the table. It's one less thing I have to worry about.

Still, I find my attitude to be in the minority. I see far too many people unwilling to explore the other end of that hallway, or even try to understand those on the other side.

I don't claim to have a perfect understanding either. I've seen just enough to know that I prefer my side of the zoo, cages and all.

All I'm saying is that it's complicated. Let's not put anyone in a box - or cage - without getting to know them a little. Not all cages are created equal, and not everyone enjoys freedom. Neither are necessarily wrong.

-- by Daphne

Getting a Corset

Posted on June 9, 2017 by Jon

“You’ve never worn a corset before?!”

Nope.

I’d been part of a sex-positive, ethically non-monogamous community for years. I didn’t get dressed up for sex, I got naked. Duh. At some point even “sexy” clothes were like speed-bumps (annoying and in the way) to the reason we were all there: sex.

Besides, I’m a California hippie – not a Victorian costume in my whole repertoire. I’m all bracelets, rings, and chains, wood and metal—natural clanking elements.

But I wanted to feel something. Something else. Sensations. Surrender. Uncertainty. Fear? Pleasure? Painpleasure or Pleasurepain?

So I entered into another arena, one where there are uniforms and rules and consequences.

Continue reading →

Beauty and the Dom

Posted on May 24, 2017 by Miss Puppy

This story is a fairytale but not the conventional kind. It is a love story of sorts, yes I said love. As I wrote about my Magical Surrender I had no idea that my heart would surrender. I had no ideal that I would fall in love with this man who has shown me so many new things. I have had play partners and closeness with others in the lifestyle but this is different in so many ways.

The Meet

When I met Jon from Bliss Bringers, I felt the need to run from him. I don’t know if it was watching him as he was in his Dom mode or just the incredible amount of energy I felt around him that frightened me. I felt I wanted to stay away from him but I also felt this pull like gravity.

My intrigue started in 2015 and has yet to wane in 2017. We were both drawn, compelled even, to chat almost daily at first and then daily as our friendship progressed. I never imagined that my friendship with him would lead me into such a wonderful relationship and a deep soulful love. His honesty, integrity, knowledge and the sheer chemistry grew my trust, desire and love.

After 9 months of chatting and developing a friendship we played at a party. It was fairly low key not what we would consider a "scene" in the BDSM world. The sex was explosive and I wanted more of that mix of mystery, skill and excitement, and an energy I could lose myself in. We continued to play at parties over the next few months.

I grew such trust with him that it led me to try a real scene, not just a sampler platter. I decided to really delve into BDSM and for the first time requested a solo date from my husband. On that date Jon took me places I had never been and I was hooked. Looking back, it wasn’t just the sex, or the BDSM it was the connection and incredible energy that became like a nuclear reactor in my heart.

Growth

My feelings grew and he became this amazing friend, life coach, mentor, Dom, and lover to me. I met goals I have been trying to meet for years as I mentioned in The Diet Dom. I have let go of many controls and become a more relaxed person in the process. He has given me emotional support and always encourages me in the healthiest way possible.

Realization

Neither of us were looking for a polyamorous relationship. We are both married and very in love with our spouses. We are both very open minded in the lifestyle. We both avoided labeling what we were feeling until that no longer made sense. Our spouses seemed to know before we could admit it to ourselves and each other that we had fallen in love. Mr. Puppy (my husband) and Mistress SinD (Jon’s wife) have been amazingly encouraging and supportive to us. I can’t thank them enough for their willingness to share. I love them both dearly.

Happily Every After

Finally, we let go into this great love as we both surrendered and shared our feelings with each other. The friendship, trust, and the surrender have taken me down an amazing path that has brought me to a loving relationship with my Sir, my Dom, lover and boyfriend Jon. This man I was once afraid of has become a great love and just as in a fairytale a prince to me. Our journey and story to be continued.......

P.S. Jon... I love you!

Mrs. Puppy (Pet)

The Diet Dom: Lose Weight, Feel Great, Be Healthy

Posted on March 9, 2017 by Miss Puppy

I have been roller coaster dieting all of my life. Accountability has always been an issue. I never imagined Rev. Jon would end up being my "Diet Dom" as I started calling him as a joke. I've learned that a Dom can show you magical bliss but he/she can also act as a life coach and teacher. A great Dom will use his power over you for more than pleasure. He/she will use their power to better you and care for you in ways you may not be able to accept from someone else.

Healthy Goals

One day Rev. Jon asked me if I was working on any personal goals. We had a very casual conversation where I expressed my desire to take better care of myself and be healthier. In late September I was chatting with him and told him that my work place was filled with chocolate which coworkers had brought in and how I was feeling weak and wanting to blow my healthy diet. He simply said “Don’t do it!” It came across as a command to me and I felt it in my gut. Since that day I have not eaten a single piece of chocolate at my work. When I look at chocolate all I can think is “Don’t do it!”
We started with the chocolate but now many of my health goals are included. I am now taking vitamins, drinking more water, eating healthy (with one cheat day), going to the gym 5 days a week, I’ve given up diet soda and most recently given up the Splenda sugar substitute in my coffee. Some of these items I set the parameter for and Rev. Jon reinforces and other things he has asked me to do to support my healthy goals.

Tracking

Rev. Jon does not request information from me daily but I know he may ask me about my eating or Fitbit tracking at any time. I agreed to notify him of any stumbles on my diet or exercise. This helps me be accountable and successful in reaching my goals. He has also asked me to wear a rubber bracelet (the kind you get from charities). If I consider breaking a goal I am to snap the bracelet to bring me out of compulsion to the awareness of my goals.

Slip-Ups

I try to be the perfect sub and follow the rules but sometimes I make mistakes. One night while out with friends on a day that was not a sanctioned junk food day I ate 4 large greasy onion rings. I didn’t even look at the rubber bracelet. The next morning I promptly told Rev. Jon that I blew my diet. We had never discussed how he would reinforce my goals if I made a mistake. I never asked because I didn’t think I would blow it. I thought he would be disappointed and probably lecture me.

Punishment

First thing he told me is that it was ok. I had a lot of anxiety at that moment so it was exactly what I needed to hear. The anxiety comes not from fearing him but from feeling that I may have disappointed him. He asked me several questions about the situation that led to me crashing my diet. There was no anger and no lecture. I was asked if I was ready to know what my punishment was. That question froze me in place and I waited for the next text to arrive. Four days without orgasm and that night I was to bring myself to the brink of orgasm and stop.

For me, since I am a very sexual person and engage in almost daily masturbation the punishment felt severe. Still I didn’t argue or plead my case. That isn’t what a good sub does. I kept in mind that his ultimate goal is to guide me and teach me. It was a tough four days and during that time I couldn’t help but to ask for a reprieve. I wasn’t upset when he said no and I actually respect him more for it even though I hoped for a yes.

At the end of the fourth day I saw him. I was anxious that my failure would be brought up and that I would feel bad about it. In most relationships when someone fails and lets the other person down it is often dredged up over and over.

When I saw him we had short discussion and it was finished because I had successfully completed the punishment. Sure, it may come up as a reminder but there is no emotional battering when a mistake is made. With the right Dom/sub relationship dynamic you both move on no anger, no grudges, and no guilt. The level of productive communication and validation is very healthy and conducive to happiness and growth for both people.

Rev. Jon reminds me of my goals and keeps me on track. I have lost about 4 pant sizes and running three miles in less than 30 minutes. I am healthier now than I have been in years! Even my bloodwork is reflecting the differences. Besides the health benefits Rev. Jon adds a fun bonus by setting challenges where I get to choose a reward for success.

A Dom can be so much more than someone who plays naughty games with you. A Dom can offer you support, guidance, and that extra nudge no one else in your life quite has the power to do. The goals I have reached under Rev. Jon's guidance have been on my list for several years. Though I have chosen to surrender to Rev. Jon he empowers me as a person to reach my goals and be better than the person I was. I am very thankful to him for the care and time he takes to help me. I can't wait to see what I can accomplish by his side or should I say at his feet.

Mrs. Puppy

Fantasy to Fetish

Posted on February 3, 2017 by Miss Puppy

The Fantasy

Fantasies can become a reality with the right person. Sir (Rev. Jon) is all about fulfilling fantasies. One day he asked if I had any particular fantasies I might like to try. I laughed and jokingly said “Yes, someday I want to ride you wearing a collar and a leash”. I didn’t think it would ever happen.

The night we recorded Puppies and Massages, Rev. Jon brought the collar and leash out for the first time. We had just finished recording and he started the session by placing the collar around my neck then leading me across the room to the spanking bench. Being so new to BDSM, I wasn’t sure if I was mortified or turned on but I went with it. My fantasy became a reality and as I let go it was hot wearing the collar which reminded me I was his submissive.

The next day I wasn’t sure how I felt about the collar. There my feelings were in contradiction, embarrassment that I had worn leash yet had been sexually turned on by it. I told Sir that I didn’t think I was ready for the thick collar that I had tried. I asked that if we ever tried a collar again that it be something much thinner. He suggested that I pick something out that I was comfortable with. I was so happy that he was flexible about letting me explore my fantasy.

The Training Collar

I admit, the collar started out a fantasy and not something I really understood the power of. I went to Petco and selected this little narrow leather collar. I thought it would be cute so I had a dog tag made. It said Mrs. Puppy on one side and "If found Return to Rev. Jon" on the other. I gave it to him in a gift bag at dinner at the Lazy Dog restaurant (yes, we actually ate there). He seemed amused but had this familiar look that he gives me that lets me know I have no idea what is in store for me. I literally didn’t have much intention of wearing it at the time. I thought we would play with it once in awhile when the mood struck.

Before I knew it this little collar which I jokingly selected became part of our ritual to start our scene. Though Rev. Jon engages with me with or without a collar when he places the collar around my neck he is making his intentions clear that he will be taking over control and I will fully surrender during the time I am wearing it.

A few weeks ago I wore the collar to a party and several people thought it was adorable and admired the tag. I felt so proud to wear what I once thought of as a silly fantasy. At the party we were fully engaged as Dom and sub and the meaning of the collar continued to gain significance for me.

The Perfect Collar

Around that time we discussed my collar and he agreed that it was time for something a little thicker with a little more design. At his suggestion I started looking online. I thought he would want to pick the collar but he wanted me to pick something that felt special to me. He recommended LiquidNymph because they make high quality custom collars. I went to their online shop on Etsy and admired so many collars. I kept trying to get Sir to give me direction but he merely said the collar I chose had to speak to me.

When I chose the first collar at Petco, I was only focused on what I could handle to wear and really wasn’t serious about it. This time I felt like I was making a huge decision. To pick the perfect collar wasn’t just about me and what I liked or how I felt. I wanted a collar Sir would be proud for me to wear as his sub. I wanted something that was sophisticated but not so fancy it camouflaged the fact that I was wearing a collar. It took me a few weeks but I found the perfect collar at LiquidNymph. Kristy Hatton, the designer of my collar was quick to respond to questions about sizing. She even made sure to contact me after my order was placed to ask my neck measurement so they could remove any excess material to make the collar fit me perfectly. My collar was delivered in about 4 days. It was packaged beautifully in a small black mesh bag which included a thank you card. I couldn’t wait for Rev. Jon to place it around my neck. When he did, it fit perfectly and I could tell it was the right choice by the way he looked at me. I can’t wait to wear it to an event!

What I once saw as a silly little fantasy has become an important symbol and ritualistic fetish with deep meaning. When Rev. Jon places that beautifully crafted collar around my neck I know I am his if even for a short time. My passionate surrender ignited by that little snap and the question that follows “Are you ready for this?”

Serendipitous Euphoria

Posted on November 22, 2016 by Miss Puppy

It is amazing how opening myself to one experience has caused me to stumble into an entirely different state of being that often involves unexplainable feelings of euphoria. I discussed the magic I experience in my previous post "Magical Surrender".

For one to understand the totality of that magic elaboration is needed.

The Count

It all started with “The Count”. I am not referring to the one on Sesame Street, instead I am referring to the countdown to orgasm. In my first experience with Rev. Jon the rule was to ask for an orgasm. The first time I asked in the session he said I could cum if I counted to 10. The task seemed impossible and I failed miserably as you probably heard about in Puppies and Massages.

In my orgasmic state, after all of the overwhelming sensations, I couldn’t remember how to count to 10. I could not focus on anything other than the intense pleasure I was experiencing. Still I thought he was having fun with me and that it was just this little game. I didn’t realize it was training that leads to an unimaginable possibility.

The weeks following that intense first session I was asked to count to 10 before allowing myself to orgasm during masturbation. I did what Rev. Jon said although I felt silly but I did not question his order. I failed many times but soon I was counting to 10 the majority of the time. After a few weeks of training the counting began to inspire the orgasm rather than permit it.

Commanded to Pleasure

One day I received a text message from Rev. Jon that said “I want you to count down and cum”.

When I read the message I agonized. I knew that what he was requesting wasn’t possible.

I was sure couldn't cum by counting and no physical stimulation.

I am not a liar who could pretend, even to satisfy a man I wish to please.

Shortly after, I saw numbers being texted to me and as the count hit 1 he texted “CUM NOW!”.

I stared at the message and felt as though this wave of energy came over my crown washing down and over me. Immediately a wealth of endorphins rushed through my body and the level of sexual stimulation that ran through me caught me off guard. I was left shaking, panting, and confused. Unlike an orgasm stimulated through the clitoris or G-spot where the stimulation begins in the sex organs and releases chemicals from the brain it was a reversal. My brain set off the chemicals and my sex organs responded. The sensation ran down my body instead of up my body is the best way to describe it. At this point, If Rev. Jon texts or orders me to cum in person it does not matter what I am doing or who I am in front of I will cum on command. The level of euphoria that comes with this orgasm is much higher than a physically stimulated orgasm and the after effects last for hours.

I can’t explain how or why I can cum on command when he gives the order or why I experience such a chemical release that leads me into a euphoric state. Rev. Jon may have the answers to how this works. Perhaps a great Dom just like a great magician never reveals their secrets.

I can only explain it as magical because the experience doesn’t fall into a category of anything I have ever thought was possible. If I could bottle this experience and sell it, the world would be hooked. Since I can't sell the experience in a bottle, I hope that you will be encouraged to delve into this magical world on your own. I had met several people who engaged in BDSM before I had this experience but no one shared their intricate details.

Perhaps because it is so powerful, it is hard to describe or maybe people feel it would be unbelieveable to others to describe something like orgasm on command. Since I had no clue how wonderful it could be and I didn't go looking for a Dom it was all a beautiful accident to meet Rev. Jon and begin this journey with him. I am so thankful to him for teaching me and giving me these experiences. I am so excited to see what will come next. I can’t wait to share more with all of you.

Mrs. Puppy

Magical Surrender

Posted on November 2, 2016 by Miss Puppy

"Me Submit? Never!"

I once said that.

I can tell you that every man I know has the same reaction when they listen to the Puppies and Massages episode of Bliss Bringers. They cannot believe that I would try having a submissive experience. In general, I have a very dominant personality and am the type to take control in almost every situation. I admit that there was a time that I thought only weak-willed or meek people could surrender to such an experience.

I've discussed this topic with many people and that seems to be a common misconception, especially with people outside of the swing lifestyle. BDSM is still not very mainstream despite the huge success of 50 Shades of Grey. That book is a sad misrepresentation of BDSM and what it is that fuels the enjoyment of surrender or appeal of domination.