23: The O Zone and TABOTA: Sexy fun in Toronto and a sneak peek at Valentine's in Niagara


O Zone Swingers clubKinky black latexProfessor Tea and the Captain interview Matt and Amanda, owners of Toronto's O Zone swingers' club and the couple behind TABOTA (Take a Bite of the Apple) couples events.  They tell us how they got started planning lifestyle events, how the O Zone adult club came to be, give us a sneak preview of "Valentine's in Niagara" swingers event, and give us the good on their famous Teddy Bare Picnic and the exciting new swing lifestyle resort, Hedo North.

Captain and Professor Tea return to O Zone later on that cold, snowy night for some hot fun. Let their club report entice you to check it out!

And a special secret that we didn't mention:  the Blissbringers team will be at VIN and doing some sexy workshops!  Join in the fun with a hands on couples workshop on the 15-minute orgasm with Captain and Professor Tea, tell your naughty confessions to Reverend Jon, and for all you sexy women, discover your feminine power with Mistress SinD and Professor Tea in their session "Walk, Talk and Touch: Harnessing the Feminine Sensual Power" (for women only). Oo la la!

15: Dee Dennis on Catalystcon


We chat with Dee Dennis, organizer of Catalystcon (where you will be able to find the entire gang) who describes her origins and struggles to create one of the biggest sex-positive conferences.

You can follow her on twitter @DeeDennis.

The captain explains our Bliss-Cruises by catamaran. Contact us for more information.

Bonus: We hear from our colleagues at the  "Boris and Doris" podcast  and  the "Beyond the Love" poly conference.


Jon shares his Sexpertise on Erotic Talk Radio

Microphone-iconJust Jon shared his kinky swinging sexpertise the other day on "Erotic Talk Radio."  Hear how he sounds on the other side of the interview mic...here.

Hint: he sounds like a sexy dude who knows what he's talking about!

Update: Because of how the way the "Blog talk radio" system works, it seems like the episode is no longer available in the search engine.    Also: The sound quality is really bad, which is typical of  blog talk radio as well.

7: Just Ask Julie Chats about Swinging and How Not to be a Wallflower


Captain and Professor Tea interview "Just Ask Julie," founder of the Swingers Board and author of the Swinger Manual about her website, the book, how swinging has changed since she started the Board 15 years ago, and how not to be a wallflower. The Luscious Lab explodes this week with the fifteen-minute orgasm, take 4 -- it just gets better!

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Working Out Our Rules: Why We Like Being in the Same Room

bigstock-woman-s-hand-holding-a-satin-s-26363675When the Captain and I filled out our first profile on a lifestyle website we hadn't given a lot of thought to our rules yet.  One thing we knew right away was that we prefer to be in the same room.

Why might a couple in the lifestyle like to play in the same room? There are a number of different reasons:

1. The category "same room only" probably in lots of cases appeals to a certain comfort level.  Lots can happen during a sexual encounter with someone other than your partner.  Having your partner nearby within earshot and eyeshot can be reassuring. It  helps you feel safe and helps you to know that your partner is safe. Especially if we are in a new environment or with new people, this kind of reassurance means a lot to me and helps me relax.

2. Trust might influence your decision about same room or different room play.  It's a big deal for most couples to open up their relationship to sexual play with other people.  It can and often does mess with your emotions. Jealousy and insecurity can sometimes set in even with couples who are usually not jealous or insecure.

Your partner is off playing in the next room with someone else and your mind can start to wander -- What are they up to?  Is their play partner a better lover than you? Why are they alone? Isn't that kind of intimate? Playing in the same room can help keep those feelings at bay.

If you know what your partner is doing and she or he is doing it right in front of you, there is less reason for your mind to concoct all sorts of scenarios that trigger suspicion or insecurity.  The Captain and I don't normally have trust issues or need to deal with jealousy, but it's not completely out of the realm of possibility that this sort of thing could sneak into the picture if we regularly started to play separately.  Of course, it is up to each couple to determine what their own emotional constitution is like and take it from there.

3.  Same room play adds spice.  Rather than thinking of same room only play as a cautious limit, we think of it more as catering to our reasons for being in the lifestyle in the first place. For us (and this is not the same for everyone), we each had fantasies of watching and being watched.  Being with other people in the same room allows us to fulfill those fantasies.  What a bonus!

As we explained in Episode 05 when we talked about different definitions, the Captain is into "hot wifing." He gets aroused when he sees me enjoying myself with others. We like to make eye contact when we're with other people. We also get into a little bit of dirty talk (okay, I'm blushing now). We can't do that when we're not in the same room, and that immediately takes away from our mutual pleasure. For us, the arousal factor increases tremendously when we're together with others.

Once at a party, I was with someone who was not comfortable playing in a group setting. He wanted to go off to a different room. I'd never done that before but I checked with the Captain and he said "okay."  So off I went, but I simply could not focus my attention. I kept looking at the door, trying to peer into the other room to see what the Captain was up to. This wasn't because of trust, but because for us, that's a big part of the fun.

We have only two rules that for the most part guide our decisions in the lifestyle.  Rule #1 is that we like to be inclusive, that is, play should involve pleasure for both of us. We both need to feel as if we are a part of the fun, not apart from it.  That usually means we're in the same room.  Rule #2 is that whatever we do, we do it to enhance our relationship and our sexual enjoyment. If one of us is not digging what's happening, or if it's having a negative impact on us as a couple, then it's not okay.

The Captain comes first for me, and me for him. When we lose sight of that, we're in dangerous waters and we need to take a step back and remember what our motives are. Yes, it's exciting to get turned on by new people and yes, that can make us silly at times. But in the end, this is not about falling for other people. We need to keep our emotional attachments in check.

We like these rules because they are not overly rigid. They allow that under certain circumstances, things we don't normally do might be permitted. For example, I spent a weekend in San Francisco a couple of months ago and he gave me a hall pass.  One condition of it was that I would come back with some hot video tape of my adventures.  I didn't capture everything on tape, but I managed to get enough to honor our agreement and stay within the spirit of our rules.

If you are in the lifestyle as a couple, you need to spend some time figuring out what you enjoy and where your comfort lies with respect to playing together and playing apart. I've met lots of people who are comfortable playing apart and lots who would prefer to play together or at least be able see and hear each other.

It's a really personal choice. For us, we found that thinking about our motivation for wanting to swing helped us get clear about why we like being in the same room.

5: The Basics


The Captain and Professor Tea attend their first "munch" (kinky meet and greet) and flog people at a Desire party. Mistress SinD and Jon entertain some Florida friends and meet the Lifestyle Out Loud podcasters at a winery meet and greet.  The crew reviews some basic swinger terminology from A to Z. Just Jon gives a few shout outs to people doing good sex positive stuff. And Professor Tea and the Captain charge up the We-Vibe for a Luscious Lab update and start reading The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margot Anand.

Reference Links:

Welcome to My Luscious Lab for Try-Sexuals

I first heard of "try-sexuality" from Midori. It means someone who is willing to try new things (I think she said she was willing to try anything! I'm not quite that try-sexual).

The lifestyle is a great playground for hearing about and trying out new things.  We introduced the idea of the Luscious Lab as our place to experiment, to test out stuff we've read about or heard about, from toys to techniques to new kinds of kinky play.

It's a fun way for the Captain and I (and whoever else would like to join us) to get adventurous and learn something along the way.  So far we've been pretty tame. We experimented with the technique Timothy Ferriss writes about in the 4-Hour Body, designed to bring on a 15-minute orgasm in women.  It works and we love it.  Listen to Episode 1 if you want to hear our full report.

We also tried out the recommended approach to a mind-blowing blow job, as described in Marcie Michaels and Marie Desalle's Blow Him Away. It was a little more challenging, mostly because there's a lot more to remember. But I'm determined to continue on that, mostly because I am a recent convert on the blow job front.

I used to hate giving them, mostly because I was lacking technique and didn't know what I was doing.  Then, about three years ago I got inspired by a couple we met at Desire. She went from good to great in the blow job department.  I can do this! I thought at the time.  I took mine from below average to pretty good. And now I'm working on taking them from pretty good to great.  So expect more lab reports on that.  For the first report, you can check out the lab in Episode 2 of the Blissbringers podcast.

I like reading and trying out the stuff we read. Right now, I'm reading Joseph Bean's book on flogging, so you can expect a lab down the road that tests out the techniques he recommends.  wevibe

This weekend we're going to do a toy lab.  We've had a we-vibe for a few years.  Despite the amazon rave reviews about it, we've been underwhelmed by it.  But I'm guessing we just haven't given it a good enough go.

This morning I found an article on-line at the Positive Passions website with ELEVEN different ways to use the we-vibe. So clearly we have not exhausted its potential and it's time to get into that lab and experiment.

If you  have any suggestions for the Luscious Lab, sexy stuff that you are interested in trying yourself but want to let us give it a test-run first (someone has to do it!), please send in your suggestions.

You can put them in the comment section after this post, send me an email at [email protected], leave us a voice mail message, or tell us in person if you happen to run into us at a party or on the beach at Desire.

Guest lab partners, assistants, and test subjects are always welcome. 😉

Discovering My Power Femme with Midori's Help

Forte Femme is an intensive weekend with internationally acclaimed sexual educator and talented kinkster, Midori.  I signed up for the San Francisco weekend about one hour after I read that the it would be limited to nine women, all of whom answered "Yes!" to the question, "Do you seek authentic empowerment, confidence and pleasure with a bit of edge in your erotic life?"

The weekend is devoted to putting each woman in touch with her sexual power, the power femme that lies within all of us.  As promised, it was an intimate group--ten students, plus Midori and her amazing assistant.  Midori warned us ahead of time to prepare to feel exhausted by the end of the weekend.  That was no lie.

I went into the weekend nervous, unsure of what to expect, and a little worried that I'd be out of my depth. The Captain and I have been in the swinger lifestyle for a few years, and we're a bit kinky, but I haven't had a lot of experience in "the fetish community."

The idea of exploring my feminine dominance excited me but also scared me.  I wanted to find my power. I think women have a right to own their sexuality and feel confident in it.

We began with our first session on Friday night. All of us gathered in a large hotel suite.  I love being in the presence of other women, especially women who exude sexual energy.  Though the details of our stories were different, we were all there to tap into our erotic power.

That Friday night, after each woman told the group a little bit about herself, Midori launched right into a discussion of the complexity of sexuality. Note: she gave me permission to share her teachings freely, so I will tell you a bit of what we learned. Of course, there's nothing quite like going to the source -- what a wonderful source she is. But I'll try to convey a bit of what she gave us.

Midori has a unique view, based on her years of experience. She rejects the idea that everyone fits neatly into a defined "box" like "dominant" or "submissive," "sadist" or "masochist," "kinky" or "vanilla," "bottom," or "top."  She explained to us that in her understanding, kinky people engage in kink because they are seeking a change of state.  The change comes, most often, through a temporary re-distribution of power.

She talked to us about the difference between "a scene," that is a kinky scene negotiated between consenting adults, and "THE scene," that is, the lifestyle scene or the community. You can be a good kinkster without being big into "THE scene."  For many of us, myself included, kink begins at home!

Already by the end of the first night I was tired.  The session ran late, and we had an early start the next day.  I had given my hotel key to some friends (okay, Mistress SinD and Just Jon), and when I got back they had it all set up for some kinky fun. Like this:

photo(2)So the night went a little later than planned, but we were efficient. And I was able to bring home some good home movies for The Captain, who had given me a "hall pass" for the weekend. But I digress.

Day Two we went more deeply into the different ways control/authority (dominance, submission, or equality) and the appetite for intense sensation (sadism, masochism, or neutrality) can combine with each other. For example, someone might like to dominate (be in control of the scene and the people in it) and to receive intense sensation (be a masochist). In short, there are many different "appetite pairings."

Some people, whom Midori calls "box jumpers" and others think of as "switch," might change from day to day or partner to partner.  Put in terms the Professor can understand, Midori said we should think of "dominant" and "submissive" as adjectives, not nouns. To think of them as nouns would be to claim them as identities. To think of them as adjectives gives us more freedom to move in and out of them depending on our desires at the time.  Hallelujah!

Her approach helped me relax. I jump boxes. I like control sometimes, where I get to tell people what do for me, but I like to give up control sometimes too, where someone else is calling the shots and I have to trust them.  I enjoy flogging people more than I like to be flogged, but I can get into being tied up and blindfolded and have no desire to learn how to work the ropes on others (at least at the moment).

A couple of the most empowering things that I learned from Midori on the weekend had nothing at all to do with specific skills or even with any of the stuff about appetites.  She gave us two questions that she encouraged us to ask ourselves whenever we were entering into erotic territory with someone:  (1) What would please me now? and (2) How am I holding my space?

"What would please me now?" gives me ultimate permission to identify and be true to what I want out of a sexual (or any other type of) encounter.  Midori was uncompromising on this point: if it's not going to please you, then do not do it. In the swinger lifestyle, this is the principle behind the frequently offered advice not to "take one for the team."  It's not about what should please me, and not about what someone else wants from me. No. In matters sexual, it is about what would please me now.

The way I understand this is that it can have different scopes. It may be, for example, that we agree going into it that I am going to let you take control of what happens. Even when that happens, it's okay for me to say "no" if things move into territory that pushes past my limits.

That one question alone is extraordinarily empowering.

The second question, "How am I holding my space?" helps to remind me to hold myself in a powerful way.  Am I commanding respect with my body language, presenting a confident demeanor? Does my posture suggest power or weakness?

Midori had encouraged us to bring along shoes or boots that we wanted to learn how to walk well in.  One of the highlights of the weekend was when she taught us how to harness our power femme through "the Queen's walk."  It's a an extremely commanding and seductive way to approach someone.  It was amazingly erotic to watch each woman do her Queen's walk across the room. Ooo la la.

That night, our group had an extraordinary sensual private dinner party at Our Gourmet Life.  Mistress SinD was my sexy date.  Each person had a card that they could turn up or down. Up meant you were open to being touched by the staff. We all had our cards up!  😉  Hot staff played out sizzling vignettes with each other and pampered the guests with sensual attention.  It was a delicious evening on every level.

The final day we got to put our skills into action in an afternoon "lab" with a partner. The main objective of the lab was for us to successfully negotiate a scene with our partner in the way Midori had taught us to do. Midori supplied trainer bottoms to those of us who did not have partners with us.  I had a lovely and experienced young woman as my trainer bottom. We negotiated a scene, which I told her in advance I thought I was too tired to play out.

She'd brought a bag of toys to do a toy show and tell with me. That's when things changed for me. She likes heavy impact. I like flogging people.  She had some really cool paddles and whacking implements that got my attention.  Before we were long into her toy bag, we decided on a flogging scene.  I practiced some of the flogging techniques Midori had shown us earlier.  Midori came over and helped me with my placement (still need to do some target practice).

After a few minutes, I fell into a rhythm.  My beautiful trainer bottom could tolerate it a lot harder than I'd ever done before, and when I began to flog her chest very hard I felt energized and powerful. I truly entered some kind of zone.  She was blindfolded and so the only connection we had was through touch and sound.  I switched it up between the floggers and some of the other tools she'd brought.

She was keenly responsive to my actions, and that fueled me to want to do more and better.  Ultimately, she requested my permission to come! Wow, what a rush. I remained fully clothed and there was absolutely no penetration. And I connected with her well enough that she had a beautiful orgasm.

We'd arranged for some quiet cuddling as aftercare. We lay on the floor for a few minutes in silence and I just took in what had happened.  It was an enormously satisfying experience for me. I'm sure much of it had to do with her talents as a bottom. As I said in a previous post, I like feedback.  She sure did give it to me.  I was so high from the experience that later on it took me ten minutes to find my way out of the parking garage.

Midori is an outstanding teacher and mentor.  We all came away from the weekend with new power that we didn't have before. For me, the weekend cemented my commitment to owning my sexuality with confidence.  We all deserve that in our lives. In fact, that's one of the things that motivated us to start Bliss Bringers.

Midori offers a number of different intensives and classes, but if you are a woman interested in finding the power femme within you (yes, one does lurk in there somewhere!), bonding with other wonderful women seeking the same, under the instruction of a true expert brimming over with solid knowledge and good humor, I recommend Forte Femme. It's a life-changing experience and you'll come out of it empowered!



Make Some Noise!

make_some_noise_by_doctoroetkerLast time we were in Vegas, the Captain and I were having a late night roll around in our sexy hotel room (hotel rooms have fetish qualities for me -- just being in one turns me on).  We were doing our thing without paying any attention to the fact that on the other side of our fancy headboard was another hotel room.  The people in the next room had a high noise tolerance. They didn't start pounding on the wall until the Captain came.  When he reaches an orgasm, you know about it. He makes a lot of noise.

When you walk into a room where people are having sex, the moans and groans and sounds of bodies mashing together are as arousing as the sight of naked bodies in motion. Most men I know get a real kick out of hearing their partner have an orgasm. And if their partners are women, they rarely disappoint.

I like sounds because they are a kind of sexual feedback. If my partner is making noises, soft or loud, then I know they're feeling pleasure. If someone is totally silent, I have no idea what's happening with them.

I'm fortunate in that the Captain likes to make noise.  We talk to each other while we're having sex, whether with each other or with other people.  And he doesn't keep it a secret when he comes. I LOVE that.  It's all part of it.

But I've been with men who are totally silent (women are rarely totally silent -- it seems to be a guy thing). They don't even utter so much as a whisper.  I'm not sure if they feel shy about making noise, or if they used to live somewhere where they had to "keep the noise down" for fear of disturbing the neighbors. Or if they don't want to admit that they came because they think their partner still wants more. But sometimes they don't even call out in any way when they are coming.

I just want to go on record to say: that disappoints me.

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On Getting the Party Started with a Card Game


Swinger parties are sex parties. We all know that.  But even if everyone knows what will ultimately happen, someone needs to start the action.

It's not always easy to know when or how to get things going.  Sometimes, people are coy, maybe not wanting to seem overly eager (why not?).  We are not all equally gifted at getting things going.

We've been to a few house parties in our local scene where you've got a whole bunch of sexy people in a room, drinking and chatting and chatting and drinking. And a couple of hours later you still have a whole bunch of sexy people hanging out, chatting and drinking, drinking and chatting.

No one wants to make the first move.   Or a couple of people slip away quietly upstairs, which is fine, but for some of us (me), the real fun happens when the sex starts happening right there and everyone is a part of it.

Slipping away to another room might have its place, but it's a sex party, dammit. Where’s the orgy? Yes, flirting and foreplay is hot. It makes me wet, gets me excited about the prospect of who I have my eye on to play with later. It's all a part of the fun.  But let’s assume that most of us want to move on from appetizers to the main course and dessert.

Recently, on an eight day sailing vacation with five sexy swinger couples, a sixty foot catamaran, and day after day of pristine waters, beautiful coves, and perfect winds, we experimented with a few different ways to get the party started. Continue reading