Welcome to My Luscious Lab for Try-Sexuals

I first heard of "try-sexuality" from Midori. It means someone who is willing to try new things (I think she said she was willing to try anything! I'm not quite that try-sexual).

The lifestyle is a great playground for hearing about and trying out new things.  We introduced the idea of the Luscious Lab as our place to experiment, to test out stuff we've read about or heard about, from toys to techniques to new kinds of kinky play.

It's a fun way for the Captain and I (and whoever else would like to join us) to get adventurous and learn something along the way.  So far we've been pretty tame. We experimented with the technique Timothy Ferriss writes about in the 4-Hour Body, designed to bring on a 15-minute orgasm in women.  It works and we love it.  Listen to Episode 1 if you want to hear our full report.

We also tried out the recommended approach to a mind-blowing blow job, as described in Marcie Michaels and Marie Desalle's Blow Him Away. It was a little more challenging, mostly because there's a lot more to remember. But I'm determined to continue on that, mostly because I am a recent convert on the blow job front.

I used to hate giving them, mostly because I was lacking technique and didn't know what I was doing.  Then, about three years ago I got inspired by a couple we met at Desire. She went from good to great in the blow job department.  I can do this! I thought at the time.  I took mine from below average to pretty good. And now I'm working on taking them from pretty good to great.  So expect more lab reports on that.  For the first report, you can check out the lab in Episode 2 of the Blissbringers podcast.

I like reading and trying out the stuff we read. Right now, I'm reading Joseph Bean's book on flogging, so you can expect a lab down the road that tests out the techniques he recommends.  wevibe

This weekend we're going to do a toy lab.  We've had a we-vibe for a few years.  Despite the amazon rave reviews about it, we've been underwhelmed by it.  But I'm guessing we just haven't given it a good enough go.

This morning I found an article on-line at the Positive Passions website with ELEVEN different ways to use the we-vibe. So clearly we have not exhausted its potential and it's time to get into that lab and experiment.

If you  have any suggestions for the Luscious Lab, sexy stuff that you are interested in trying yourself but want to let us give it a test-run first (someone has to do it!), please send in your suggestions.

You can put them in the comment section after this post, send me an email at [email protected], leave us a voice mail message, or tell us in person if you happen to run into us at a party or on the beach at Desire.

Guest lab partners, assistants, and test subjects are always welcome. 😉

Discovering My Power Femme with Midori's Help

Forte Femme is an intensive weekend with internationally acclaimed sexual educator and talented kinkster, Midori.  I signed up for the San Francisco weekend about one hour after I read that the it would be limited to nine women, all of whom answered "Yes!" to the question, "Do you seek authentic empowerment, confidence and pleasure with a bit of edge in your erotic life?"

The weekend is devoted to putting each woman in touch with her sexual power, the power femme that lies within all of us.  As promised, it was an intimate group--ten students, plus Midori and her amazing assistant.  Midori warned us ahead of time to prepare to feel exhausted by the end of the weekend.  That was no lie.

I went into the weekend nervous, unsure of what to expect, and a little worried that I'd be out of my depth. The Captain and I have been in the swinger lifestyle for a few years, and we're a bit kinky, but I haven't had a lot of experience in "the fetish community."

The idea of exploring my feminine dominance excited me but also scared me.  I wanted to find my power. I think women have a right to own their sexuality and feel confident in it.

We began with our first session on Friday night. All of us gathered in a large hotel suite.  I love being in the presence of other women, especially women who exude sexual energy.  Though the details of our stories were different, we were all there to tap into our erotic power.

That Friday night, after each woman told the group a little bit about herself, Midori launched right into a discussion of the complexity of sexuality. Note: she gave me permission to share her teachings freely, so I will tell you a bit of what we learned. Of course, there's nothing quite like going to the source -- what a wonderful source she is. But I'll try to convey a bit of what she gave us.

Midori has a unique view, based on her years of experience. She rejects the idea that everyone fits neatly into a defined "box" like "dominant" or "submissive," "sadist" or "masochist," "kinky" or "vanilla," "bottom," or "top."  She explained to us that in her understanding, kinky people engage in kink because they are seeking a change of state.  The change comes, most often, through a temporary re-distribution of power.

She talked to us about the difference between "a scene," that is a kinky scene negotiated between consenting adults, and "THE scene," that is, the lifestyle scene or the community. You can be a good kinkster without being big into "THE scene."  For many of us, myself included, kink begins at home!

Already by the end of the first night I was tired.  The session ran late, and we had an early start the next day.  I had given my hotel key to some friends (okay, Mistress SinD and Just Jon), and when I got back they had it all set up for some kinky fun. Like this:

photo(2)So the night went a little later than planned, but we were efficient. And I was able to bring home some good home movies for The Captain, who had given me a "hall pass" for the weekend. But I digress.

Day Two we went more deeply into the different ways control/authority (dominance, submission, or equality) and the appetite for intense sensation (sadism, masochism, or neutrality) can combine with each other. For example, someone might like to dominate (be in control of the scene and the people in it) and to receive intense sensation (be a masochist). In short, there are many different "appetite pairings."

Some people, whom Midori calls "box jumpers" and others think of as "switch," might change from day to day or partner to partner.  Put in terms the Professor can understand, Midori said we should think of "dominant" and "submissive" as adjectives, not nouns. To think of them as nouns would be to claim them as identities. To think of them as adjectives gives us more freedom to move in and out of them depending on our desires at the time.  Hallelujah!

Her approach helped me relax. I jump boxes. I like control sometimes, where I get to tell people what do for me, but I like to give up control sometimes too, where someone else is calling the shots and I have to trust them.  I enjoy flogging people more than I like to be flogged, but I can get into being tied up and blindfolded and have no desire to learn how to work the ropes on others (at least at the moment).

A couple of the most empowering things that I learned from Midori on the weekend had nothing at all to do with specific skills or even with any of the stuff about appetites.  She gave us two questions that she encouraged us to ask ourselves whenever we were entering into erotic territory with someone:  (1) What would please me now? and (2) How am I holding my space?

"What would please me now?" gives me ultimate permission to identify and be true to what I want out of a sexual (or any other type of) encounter.  Midori was uncompromising on this point: if it's not going to please you, then do not do it. In the swinger lifestyle, this is the principle behind the frequently offered advice not to "take one for the team."  It's not about what should please me, and not about what someone else wants from me. No. In matters sexual, it is about what would please me now.

The way I understand this is that it can have different scopes. It may be, for example, that we agree going into it that I am going to let you take control of what happens. Even when that happens, it's okay for me to say "no" if things move into territory that pushes past my limits.

That one question alone is extraordinarily empowering.

The second question, "How am I holding my space?" helps to remind me to hold myself in a powerful way.  Am I commanding respect with my body language, presenting a confident demeanor? Does my posture suggest power or weakness?

Midori had encouraged us to bring along shoes or boots that we wanted to learn how to walk well in.  One of the highlights of the weekend was when she taught us how to harness our power femme through "the Queen's walk."  It's a an extremely commanding and seductive way to approach someone.  It was amazingly erotic to watch each woman do her Queen's walk across the room. Ooo la la.

That night, our group had an extraordinary sensual private dinner party at Our Gourmet Life.  Mistress SinD was my sexy date.  Each person had a card that they could turn up or down. Up meant you were open to being touched by the staff. We all had our cards up!  😉  Hot staff played out sizzling vignettes with each other and pampered the guests with sensual attention.  It was a delicious evening on every level.

The final day we got to put our skills into action in an afternoon "lab" with a partner. The main objective of the lab was for us to successfully negotiate a scene with our partner in the way Midori had taught us to do. Midori supplied trainer bottoms to those of us who did not have partners with us.  I had a lovely and experienced young woman as my trainer bottom. We negotiated a scene, which I told her in advance I thought I was too tired to play out.

She'd brought a bag of toys to do a toy show and tell with me. That's when things changed for me. She likes heavy impact. I like flogging people.  She had some really cool paddles and whacking implements that got my attention.  Before we were long into her toy bag, we decided on a flogging scene.  I practiced some of the flogging techniques Midori had shown us earlier.  Midori came over and helped me with my placement (still need to do some target practice).

After a few minutes, I fell into a rhythm.  My beautiful trainer bottom could tolerate it a lot harder than I'd ever done before, and when I began to flog her chest very hard I felt energized and powerful. I truly entered some kind of zone.  She was blindfolded and so the only connection we had was through touch and sound.  I switched it up between the floggers and some of the other tools she'd brought.

She was keenly responsive to my actions, and that fueled me to want to do more and better.  Ultimately, she requested my permission to come! Wow, what a rush. I remained fully clothed and there was absolutely no penetration. And I connected with her well enough that she had a beautiful orgasm.

We'd arranged for some quiet cuddling as aftercare. We lay on the floor for a few minutes in silence and I just took in what had happened.  It was an enormously satisfying experience for me. I'm sure much of it had to do with her talents as a bottom. As I said in a previous post, I like feedback.  She sure did give it to me.  I was so high from the experience that later on it took me ten minutes to find my way out of the parking garage.

Midori is an outstanding teacher and mentor.  We all came away from the weekend with new power that we didn't have before. For me, the weekend cemented my commitment to owning my sexuality with confidence.  We all deserve that in our lives. In fact, that's one of the things that motivated us to start Bliss Bringers.

Midori offers a number of different intensives and classes, but if you are a woman interested in finding the power femme within you (yes, one does lurk in there somewhere!), bonding with other wonderful women seeking the same, under the instruction of a true expert brimming over with solid knowledge and good humor, I recommend Forte Femme. It's a life-changing experience and you'll come out of it empowered!



Make Some Noise!

make_some_noise_by_doctoroetkerLast time we were in Vegas, the Captain and I were having a late night roll around in our sexy hotel room (hotel rooms have fetish qualities for me -- just being in one turns me on).  We were doing our thing without paying any attention to the fact that on the other side of our fancy headboard was another hotel room.  The people in the next room had a high noise tolerance. They didn't start pounding on the wall until the Captain came.  When he reaches an orgasm, you know about it. He makes a lot of noise.

When you walk into a room where people are having sex, the moans and groans and sounds of bodies mashing together are as arousing as the sight of naked bodies in motion. Most men I know get a real kick out of hearing their partner have an orgasm. And if their partners are women, they rarely disappoint.

I like sounds because they are a kind of sexual feedback. If my partner is making noises, soft or loud, then I know they're feeling pleasure. If someone is totally silent, I have no idea what's happening with them.

I'm fortunate in that the Captain likes to make noise.  We talk to each other while we're having sex, whether with each other or with other people.  And he doesn't keep it a secret when he comes. I LOVE that.  It's all part of it.

But I've been with men who are totally silent (women are rarely totally silent -- it seems to be a guy thing). They don't even utter so much as a whisper.  I'm not sure if they feel shy about making noise, or if they used to live somewhere where they had to "keep the noise down" for fear of disturbing the neighbors. Or if they don't want to admit that they came because they think their partner still wants more. But sometimes they don't even call out in any way when they are coming.

I just want to go on record to say: that disappoints me.

Continue reading

On Getting the Party Started with a Card Game


Swinger parties are sex parties. We all know that.  But even if everyone knows what will ultimately happen, someone needs to start the action.

It's not always easy to know when or how to get things going.  Sometimes, people are coy, maybe not wanting to seem overly eager (why not?).  We are not all equally gifted at getting things going.

We've been to a few house parties in our local scene where you've got a whole bunch of sexy people in a room, drinking and chatting and chatting and drinking. And a couple of hours later you still have a whole bunch of sexy people hanging out, chatting and drinking, drinking and chatting.

No one wants to make the first move.   Or a couple of people slip away quietly upstairs, which is fine, but for some of us (me), the real fun happens when the sex starts happening right there and everyone is a part of it.

Slipping away to another room might have its place, but it's a sex party, dammit. Where’s the orgy? Yes, flirting and foreplay is hot. It makes me wet, gets me excited about the prospect of who I have my eye on to play with later. It's all a part of the fun.  But let’s assume that most of us want to move on from appetizers to the main course and dessert.

Recently, on an eight day sailing vacation with five sexy swinger couples, a sixty foot catamaran, and day after day of pristine waters, beautiful coves, and perfect winds, we experimented with a few different ways to get the party started. Continue reading

Reporting back from Desire

(Yes, this post is long overdue.  Life happens)

We just returned from a fabulous time at Desire Cancun, and I absolutely need to pass on the advise and observations.


  1. Talk to everybody you meet.  Yes, everybody.  This is the single best thing you can do.  Yes, that includes people that are not your type.
  2. Start early.  When you arrive, drop off the bags in the room chug down a water from the fridge.  Go to the hot-tub area, strip and dive in.  Order a drink.  See also: Step 1.
  3. Don't drink too much.   Really.  Alcohol should be a tool, not destination.
  4. If you really want alcohol, order wine.   The rest of the alcoholic drinks are watered down; That's not "being cheap", that's "looking out for you".  Believe me.
  5. Book a massage by Claudia. People almost get into fights to get an appointment, so book early.
  6.  Regardless of the outfit, there should always be a spot for an "emergency condom".
  7. Never run when you’re scared.
  8. Sunscreen.  Always.
  9. Never turn down body shots.
  10. Bring a small flashlight to the playroom.


I can testify on each of these:

She's already out there hitting on people on she doesn't yet have my cum out of her mouth! What a trooper!

There is a market for alcohol free vegan body shots.

How do vegans give blowjobs? Does it count as animal product?

 No, we are not married.   Well, yes, we are, but not to each-other.   Theses and these are together.  Sorry about the confusion.

Wait: You are selling leather artwork here, but you didn't bring the chaps.  Didn't they tell you beforehand what kind of place this is?

(To a newbie couple) "An orgy is just like that threesome, just with more people"

Excuse me, this bed has a 2 orgasm minimum.

Craiglist "dating"

I just discovered this awesome video, and could help cracking up.

Then it hit me: Why is this so funny to us?  Because it is true.
We know many couples that met thru online dating on eHarmony or similar sites.

And guess what... some of those same couples, after a while, they do start looking for playmates, including on craiglist.

Natural Born Swinger?

As a kid, it was normal to go swimming in the nude.

It was OK to walk through the house naked coming from the shower.
It was also perfectly normal for grownups to have sleepovers at their friends.  Just bring enough sleeping bags, and toss all the kids in one bedroom when it's their bedtime, and everything works out perfectly.
It was normal that ads on prime-time TV or in the streets show nudity, especially if the product was supposed to be used when nude (lingerie, shampoos,...).  That just makes sense, doesn't it?
As an adult, nobody thought it weird to go to saunas or "day spa's", where everybody walks around nude most of the day.  If you meet somebody from the office in the shower, you just say "hi", like you were meeting them on the bus.
In politics, Europeans are nearly impossible to provoke using the personal life of their leaders.
When it was shown that the king of Belgium has an illegitimate daughter, some people snickered. a few cheap jokes were created but nobody got excited.
When french president Mitterrand died, his mistress and their daughter also attended the (nationally broadcasted) funeral. Nobody protested.  Everybody understands that power has its own sex-appeal.
These are not stand-alone, extreme anecdotes, but examples how a more "sexually liberated", "no nonsense" way of thinking runs through the culture.  A perfect example of that way of thinking is the term "Ménage à trois" : it doesn't really mean "threesome" but "household of three", where all the persons involved have equal standing, and take their share of the responsibilities of running a home.  Any sexual component is -almost- an afterthought.
As a swinger in the US, I have gotten used to the elaborate setups for visiting swing clubs.  Secret addresses, pre-meets, special guest-lists, password.  Some have protocols that look you are meeting with a mole inside a Columbian drug cartel.This is loads of fun, and adds to the naughty "secret agent" theme.  I'm used to swingclubs that advertise in clear, neon-lit text.  In 4 languages.

Others have noticed this too:

When compared to other swingers from around the globe, European swingers are considered as the most open to this lifestyle. This is evident through its several sex clubs and nude beaches. If you are a swinger from this continent, you will be able to find other swinging individuals when you visit the aforementioned places.

John Lewis writes:

... European swingers are least interested in swinger games. They jump onto swinger activities as soon as they develop a comfort level with other swingers. They don’t believe in wearing explicit attires to woe the swinger mates. The European parties are simple yet high on eroticism scale.

None of this means or claims that Europeans are "better" at swinging (if such a scale even exists), or that they have a higher amount of confidence (I was the most shy person in the room a couple of times).   All this means is that the cultural background of a person can show up in and out of the bedroom behavior in unexpected ways.

I cuddle in public.  I  don't freak out about bi men. I have a large "Lifestyle Lounge" bumper sticker on my car.  I talk about sex, politics and religion at the dinner table.  But I don't bite (unless you ask me to).

I didn't choose to be a swinger. I can't help it.  I was born that way.

(This post was first released on the "Life on the swingset" blog.)